Great Memories in a Background of Heartbreak. The Fading of Friends and Colleagues from “… back in the day.”

We were returning to the station after responding as the third-due engine on a “smoke in the building” call at midnight. I was a rookie Fire Sergeant detailed to Engine 18 for the past several months. George said “… watch this” as he demonstrated shifting the gears of the 17-year-old Seagrave by just using his feet. George was always finding new or clever ways to do things. Sitting on Arlington Boulevard on that warm September night, all I wanted in life was to be with this crew. I recorded a brief video recalling this memory from more than three decades ago and then started sobbing.

George is dying of cancer and under hospice care. His wife wanted those that worked with George to sent a short positive and upbeat memory or message. One of her adult children would assemble the videos into a loop for George to see and hear when he was awake.

Kübler-Ross: The 5 Stages of Grief

Emergency service workers learn about the five stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD. She identified these stages after spending two-and-a-half years working with dying patients, The stages are:

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

A follow-up book took those five stages of loss to help the survivors find the meaning of grief.

We share grief – our story, our loss, our feelings.

Shared and witnessed grief is grief abated.

Our Emergency Service Family

Our emergency service family provides a unique structure when we are confronted with an unexpected death. For example, there was a rookie firefighter who suffered a line of duty death. His spouse, their parents, and their network of regular friends and work colleagues were not aware of how we take care of our own.

It starts with a fire department member staying with the body from the hospital to the cemetery. Continues with providing a single-individual as the fire department or union representative that worked with the family on all of the details. One of the parents said, “… they just came in and started doing things. They took care of our every need.”

The other factor with our tribe is a deep understanding of disease pathophysiology, recovery/rehabilitation, the mixed quality of medical care, human behavior under crisis, and end-of-life reality.

We know death on an intimate level.

Our Digital World

Every Sunday visit to my elderly parents used to start with the sick and dead report. They would tell me who in their wide circle of friends was sick or had died. A lot of that information came from a breakfast ritual of reading obituaries in The Washington Post. That reporting ended when the number of their friends could be counted on one hand.

Within a private social media retirement group, I know about two-dozen fire department colleagues who are dealing with serious medical issues. Some will not have a great resolution.

I have a lot of digital friends and work colleagues. Our face-to-face meetings often start with a comment or question about their latest Facebook status update or crisis.

Through programs like CaringBridge (https://www.caringbridge.org/) and GoFundMe (https://www.gofundme.com/), I am able to financially support friends and colleagues and get detailed updates.

Is Too Much Information Creating Compassion Fatigue?

I wonder if this constant information flow becomes too much. Compassion Fatigue is described as a condition that develops over time, but it is not PTSD. When we are consistently hearing vivid stories of traumatic occurrences it can spur feelings of empathy and suffering in us. Over time, those feelings can invade and result in many waking hours without sleep, and lessen our ability to feel “optimism, humor, and hope.” (Figley)

I was sobbing after recording the video because someone that I worked closely with is in pain and dying. I cry for his family and their loss.

I also cry for my loss. A chunk of my fire department history will fade when George is gone. I feel my mortality.

Update May 20, 2020: retired Captain II George L. Sisson has died. Godspeed ….

++++++++++++++++

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969, 2019) On Death & Dying: What the Dying Have To Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy & Their Own Families. New York: Scribner.

Kübler-Ross, E. and Kessler, D. (2005) On Grief & Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New York: Scribner

Kessler, D. (2019) Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Figley, C. R. (ed) (2002) Treating Compassion Fatigue. New York: Brunner-Routledge.

Featured Image: Engine 18 (1967 Seagrave 1000 gpm/300 gwt) photo probably by Clark Martin